I Don't Want To Die
by xXxBubbleHubxXx
Summary: The Herald of Andraste faces a dilemma, the world needs her...but so does Cullen, so when she leaves for the Darvaarad she says goodbye for the last time, will she return? Will she Survive?
1. Love And Fear

To all you readers out there, this is my first Inquisition fanfic but not my first Dragon Age fic, I have already written one for Dragon Age 2 about Fenris and Fem Hawke, which is on my fanfiction account and not DeviantArt. This is a retelling after the events of speaking with Solas before he leaves through the Eluvian, some of the plot will be altered to tailor to my story but not too much. I'm writing it in first person as to give the reader a more personal feel, Cullen will never refer to the Inquisitor by the name I chose for her, and will instead address her according to canon, with the addition of 'wife'. As you can tell this story is centred around Cullen x Dalish Fem-Inquisitor, so I hope you enjoy and maybe drop a review or two.

Thank You & Enjoy!

Dragon Age: Inquisition

I Will Not Die

Chapter 1,

Love and Fear,

 _It couldn't end like this…why must it end like this…had I not endured and suffered enough from the threat of Corypheus, had I not been forced to make decisions that I should not have had to make, did I not sacrifice those I wished I didn't have too for the greater good, was that not enough? No, fate had deemed it that I would have to endure much more than that. Now the cost of saving the world yet again was my life, why had it come to this? I wasn't worried for myself, I had resigned myself to my inevitable death long ago, but I was worried…for Cullen._

 _Not long ago we had been joined in marriage, a quick stolen moment to pledge ourselves to each other despite the turmoil of the exalted council that threatened to destroy us after all the good we had done. So long had I waited for the moment when we would become one, I loved him more than I thought I could. He was the only man I had ever been with and truth be told I never thought I would find myself falling for a shem of all things, but he was so much more than an elven word laced with disgust, he was the love of my life._

 _I had pledged myself to him in my own words, a promise of my people, when he had proposed to me, I was overjoyed but scared at the same time, I knew Cullen was an Andrastian. Despite how much I hated living as the Dalish lived, and didn't care for my own gods, that I barely believe in, I couldn't promise myself to him with words that rang hollow. He had told me that he wanted my promise to be true, and I was glad when he accepted that I was going to use a promise of my people._

 _I had never felt as much joy as I had when I spoke those words, because even though he would probably never know, that promise was the most meaningful thing to me. Hearing him say the same made my heart soar that much higher, Maker I loved him. But what was it all for now, I was going to die, that promise wasn't going to mean a thing, I was going to leave him alone in the world when he needed me most. When we were in our makeshift meeting room my mark had flared up, everyone who was arguing soon moved to stand before me as I almost broke down in tears. I was scared to die, I didn't want to die, not when I knew the world needed me to save them, not when the man I loved needed me most of all._

 _Cullen could see how scared I was, and Maker, I could see the sorrow in his face as he realized our marriage wasn't going to last long. Despite how Josephine and Leliana were watching, he walked forward to embrace me, that embrace was something I sorely needed, I clung to him as if my life depended on it, for all I knew this was the last time I would feel his loving arms of safety wrapped around me. I slipped my fingers into his perfectly maintained hair and pulled him into a kiss, which he returned with more passion than I believed I had ever felt from him. We separated and he brushed the tear that had begun to run down my cheek away with his thumb and smiled at me, that smile tore at my heart more than I thought possible…he was saying goodbye._

 _We turned back to the spymaster and diplomat, even though Cullen left his arm wrapped around my waist, needless to say that after that display my cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment. Leliana left to alert the council of what had transpired, and Josephine had left to sort out her papers, it was just me and Cullen that remained after he informed her he was going to have people watch the eluvian in case Qunari came through it._

 _I perched myself on the table we were using to discuss strategies, and Cullen stood in-front of me holding my hands in his, was this going to be our last goodbye I wandered, I prayed to the Maker, the Creators, and whoever else might be out there and listening to make it so that I would live. My forehead rested on his as I tried to control my breathing from the searing pain that radiated in my left arm on occasion so that he wasn't aware as to the full seriousness of the threat that the mark posed._

" _Cullen I…" I made to speak but he raised a finger to my lips, I searched his eyes, and all I could see was grief which in turn caused my own eyes to well with tears,_

" _I know you're going to try and apologize for the situation my dear wife." He began as he cupped my cheek with his large hand, and I leaned into it as a tear slide down my cheek and slipped off my chin,_

 _He lovingly brushed it and many others from my face as he continued to speak, "I meant what I said, the moment you became my wife it made everything we had done worth fighting for, you completed me. And I have no regrets…when you return, we will find a way, I will find a way, to save you." He had a determination in his voice that was not unlike him,_

" _Cullen…if I don't make it back, if my mark kills me before I can see you again…I'm sorry, I should never had pursued you knowing that the mark could have done this at any time, I never wanted to leave you…"_

 _He cut me off abruptly as he once again pressed his lips to mine in an attempt to silence me or reassure me I don't know, he pushed me back against the table as he leaned over me, his weight pinning me down. He continued the assault for a few moments more before he paused for breath._

" _You're not leaving me." He said almost breathlessly,_

" _Cullen, you know I might not make it back." I said, his optimism was strange but comforting,_

" _I know you're going to make it back, I regretfully sent you to Corypheus and you made it back to me, this time is no different, but…I want you to know I have no regrets, marrying you was the best decision I've made in my life, I will never regret that. You know I don't have time to say goodbye to you properly, so you're just going to have to come back so I can." He gave me a cheeky smirk as he pushed himself onto me further, despite the situation, causing me to smile,_

" _With that kind of inspiration, you know I will." I joked, but then returned to seriousness, "Pray for me my love, so that I may feel your embrace one more time." I said cupping his face that was mere inches from mine,_

 _He studied my face searching my eyes for any sign that would assure him of my return, he held my wrist and slid his hand under my back lifting me up he set me back on the floor and pushed me against the wall his hand at my head still prohibiting my leaving, his face still mere inches from my own, he was making use of any moment that he could steal._

" _Not even death could keep me from you." He said as he leant down to kiss my neck,_

" _Then I won't disappoint…if you can wait for me at the eluvian when I return…I don't know how long I will be but…"_

" _I'll be there." There was no hesitation, he would wait for me as long as he had to, he moved the hand that was beside my head to hold my hand, "Come I'll get you geared for the fight to come."_

" _You're very helpful Cullen, perhaps I should almost die more often." I joked,_

" _Any more than now and I'll have grey hair before my time, Maker I think I'm already changing just from our fight with Corypheus." He brushed his hair over with his hand returning it to the swept back look he always had,_

 _Cullen had proved to be very helpful indeed in helping me gear myself for the coming battle, I couldn't blame him, though it did make me smile and blush sometimes. He kissed me one last time before I left in front of The Iron Bull, Varric, and Dorian, I was pretty sure I heard Dorian make a comment to Varric about how cute we looked but I couldn't be sure, I was distracted with other things._

 _The battle was a lot more hectic than I had thought it would be, we even had to face a freak'n Dragon, although Bull wanted to kill it I wanted to free it from the torture the Qunari were putting it through so I freed it, it flew off killing several more Qunari as it went. The Vidasala I had gone to kill had tried to turn Bull against me, she had even called him by his Qunari name, Hissrad, but he had flatly refused her, he was considered Tal-Vashoth now, he had no intention of betraying me for them._

 _Which I am grateful for because I am not sure I would have been able to strike him down, not after everything we had been through. I had finally found out from the Vidasala that Solas had been betraying me the entire time he was the one who had given the orb to Corypheus, without him none of what I had been made to endure would have been necessary. I was going to kill him, I had never liked him, sure I had helped him save his spirit friend but there would be no hesitation now he was going to be a very dead elf._

 _Once I had defeated the Vidasala's Saarebas my mark had become significantly worse, I followed her through the eluvian, but my team hadn't followed me perhaps they were sent to another eluvian instead of being sent with me, I didn't know. I was startled by the frozen Qunari just outside, but I navigated my way past them and found Solas talking to the Vidasala warning her not to pursue him. She tried to kill him when his back was turned and he froze her like all the rest._

 _Once that was done, I called out to him, he was surprised to see me but ignored that and assumed I had questions, which I did, after our talk I found out that he was not only an agent for Fen'Harel he was the damned Dread Wolf! He told me how he wanted to destroy the world in order to return the elves to their former glory. Perhaps there was one day a time when I would have given anything to have the elves restored to what they used to be, but not now, not after learning the truth about them._

 _He also assured me that I was going to die, the mark was killing me and he was the only one who could have used the mark and lived, he said he was going to help me, that he lured me here so that he could. He did something to the mark on my hand and told me to live well while time remained…By this time the mark had already consumed my arm to the elbow, I really didn't have much time left._

All these thoughts had rushed through my head in the span of a few moments, as I dazedly tried to comprehend everything that had just happened, but in my state it was a lot more complicated than I would have liked.

The pain was getting worse there was no denying that, it was crippling now, my energy was spent, and there was a long road back to the winter palace, finally my team made it through the eluvian to me, I could hear them, I called out to them and they finally made it by my side. They all saw that my arm was engulfed by the mark and were all worried for me.

"Maker's Breath…Herald you can't die on me now, not after I made you a Comtesse, that and if you die, Curly might as well just join you." I got to my feet and stood shakily,

"Varric…Dorian, tell Cullen what happened…Iron Bull…I…" I almost passed out and collapsed as the Iron Bull caught me just in time,

"I got ya Boss." He said assuringly as he positioned me in his arms to carry me more comfortably,

"I'm sorry…I can't help you back…"

Dorian hovered over me from what I could see through the slits in my eyes as they refused to open, "Don't worry my friend, I know the way back, you just hang in there until we can find a way to help you."

I let out another loud shrill of pain, "Come on Sparkler what are you waiting for lead the way." Varric pressed,

"Follow me everyone and no delay, Bull carry her as gently as you can but keep up pace." Dorian instructed,

"I know what I'm doing, just get a move on." Iron Bull retorted,

The mark was causing so much more pain than I thought it could, but with ancient elven magic I realized that I should always expect the unexpected. I'm not sure how they were navigating their way back through the eluvian's, perhaps Dorian knew what he was doing after all, I didn't know, but I trusted them, after all I didn't have much of a choice.


	2. May The Dread Wolf

_Sorry for the delay faithful readers, but usually I don't start publishing a story until it has been completed so that I can upload on a regular basis, with this story however I am nowhere near having finished it, and I'm not sure when it will be finished even though I work on it whenever I can._

 _Just a warning for those reading, this story is going to get a lot darker before the sun emerges from behind the clouds, so if hints at sexual assault are not your cup of tea then I am sorry but it was necessary for the story. That won't be taking place in this chapter however, it's just a friendly warning for future chapters, in this chapter however we will be experiencing things from Cullen's POV._

 _I tried to stay as IC as possible but obviously with how my story is going he is going to act OOC at times, even so I hope you enjoy!_

 **Chapter 2,**

 **May The Dread Wolf Never Catch Your Scent,**

When we were back in the Winter Palace, I was almost incoherent, but I could hear his voice, Cullen, he was barking orders to the men, and attempting to find out what had happened with the Qunari. And more importantly…me.

"Cullen…" I called, he responded in a moment,

"I'm here Inquisitor." I knew he must have noticed my arm by now and was panicking more than he was before about my untimely demise,

"Solas…couldn't stop the mark, I don't have much time…I…" I was cut off as my hand pulsed again and I screamed in pain,

"Solas…"

Cullen was surprised to hear the elf's name come up, but wasn't concerned about it at the moment, he took me from Bull and carried me in his arms, he had the Orlesian healer on standby for when I had returned though I didn't think it would do any good at all, if Solas couldn't even save me what hope did I have.

He laid me on the table of the healer' room, where most of my armor was stripped away and he then looked over my arm to see what he could possibly do and Cullen stayed by my side the entire time holding my other hand for support, and though I know I hurt him I would squeeze it with all my might when the pain racked me.

Finally the healer spoke to Cullen to bring him up to speed with the situation, "There is nothing I can do for her, this goes far beyond any magic I have ever seen, let alone know how to treat…I am sorry." He said regretfully,

Cullen turned to look at me, his eyes desperately searching my face for any sign that I was going to be alright, he needed me to be alright, but there was nothing I could do, or say that would make this any better. I steeled myself for the decision I was about to make and then turned to the healer.

"Cut it off." I said hoarsely,

"Inquisitor…" It wasn't hard to tell that Cullen was surprised by my words,

"My Lady in your condition it could kill you faster than this strange magic."

"I'm dying anyway…and if I have to die, I don't want to say I didn't try, please, I'm begging you to do it." There was desperation in my voice that was summing up my intense desire to save my own life despite the risks; I had too much to live for,

"Levellan…my love, what if this shortens the time we have left." Cullen sounded scared,

"Cullen, I'm a Rutherford now, and I'm going to fight with every last breath I draw, I've faced down far worse odds than this, with your strength to aid me, I know I'll make it through this…I have luck on my side as well." I smiled slightly as I reminded him of the small token he had given me on our journey to Ferelden,

I saw him smile as he looked at me with my love and compassion, but my expression soon twisted to pain as my hand pulsed again and I let out a small cry. The healer soon realized that not much time was left, and I heard him usher Cullen out of the room so that he could call his helpers in to do what I had asked. I turned to see Cullen regretfully leave me, as the healer then addressed me.

"There is no guarantee that this will save you, in all actuality it could hasten your death." He said,

"And yet if I do nothing I am a dead woman anyway, what have I got to lose." He sighed in agreeance with what I had said, before he gave me a vile to drink, and soon the world around me faded to a comforting black emptiness.

 _(Cullen's Point of View)_

So many things were running through my mind, I find out that the elf apostate who had been missing for two years shows up and has a hand in the situation my wife was now in, I have no idea whether the Qunari threat has been dealt with or the only reason they returned was because of her situation, and to top it all off the exalted council has been hounding us relentlessly for days. Leliana and Josephine joined me, Varric, Dorian, and The Iron Bull in the room where we planned our strategies so that we could discuss whether the mission was a success or not.

"I trust you have good news for us Varric?" Leliana began,

"That Nightingale depends on how you look at it." Varric replied on a sigh as he rubbed the back of his neck,

Leliana chided herself with how careless she had been, "The Herald's…condition has worsened it is unclear whether she is going to…survive or not." I replied,

" _Andraste…Maker, save her!"_

"Excuse my carelessness I should have noticed the Herald's absence, if you need to be with her Commander this meeting will manage fine if you wish to leave." Leliana said,

"As much as I would love to be with her, I was made to leave while the healers work." I answered taking a breath,

"Work? So there is a chance that Lady Levellan will be alright?" Josephine asked,

"That remains to be seen, at present they are working on…removing the mark from her, so it won't take her life." I replied pausing to find the best way to explain the situation,

"Andraste watch over her." Josephine breathed as she understood what I was saying,

"If there are no further questions I would rather direct our attention to the information we have gathered, if one of you would like to start." I dismissed the previous conversation hoping to distract myself for but a moment from the pressing concerns of my wife,

Dorian was the first to speak, "Well for starters it's been made clear that the elven gods that the Herald no doubt worshipped were nothing but powerful mages, and it appears one of them is still around and one of his agents was a part of our inquisition from the very beginning." He explained,

"That much was obvious when we travelled to Mythal as the Herald explained that while she was in the fade with Morrigan trying to find Kieran they met Mythal who used the power she had over the Inquisitor to stop Morrigan from making a move against her. But you say that one of the elven god's agents were a part of the Inquisition, who was it?" Leliana asked,

"It's always the quiet ones, it was chuckles." Varric began, "He caused the hole in the sky by giving the orb to Corypheus, it's why he knew how to save the Herald from the mark when we had her imprisoned, and how he knew how to close the rifts when we were trying to reach the forward camp, he also lead us to Skyhold for a reason that we haven't yet uncovered."

"He was also responsible for pushing a dying Qunari through the Eluvian and into the Winter Palace, to draw us into a conflict with them, intentionally starting all this." Dorian added,

"They also had a dragon, no doubt the name for Dragon's Breath, we freed it and I have no idea where it is now, or if it will be a threat, and after the fight we had I doubt I can dig up any old contacts to see what the Qunari are planning now." Iron Bull finished,

"Solas!" Josephine and Leliana gasped,

"You're telling me that from the very beginning that bastard was lying to us, manipulating us taking us down the path he wanted us to follow because he gave an ancient elven artefact to a Darkspawn old god Magister and something clearly went wrong, so he needed us to clean up his mess?!" I demanded, by this point with everything that had happened I was more than a little irritated,

"It would seem that way." Dorian answered,

"Maker's breath, I swear if I ever get my hands on that elf again." I threatened,

"You say Solas was an agent for an elven god, which god?" Leliana asked,

"Fen'Harel." Varric replied, "According to what the Herald believed Fen'Harel is the Dreadwolf, god of betrayal or rebellion, but as you can see he is only a very powerful mage, whose orb placed the mark upon her hand."

"And what did he stand to gain from giving Corypheus his orb?" Josephine asked,

"That we don't know, any other information we have depends on the Boss' survival." Iron Bull said,

"So we have no idea if the Qunari threat is dealt with, and now we have to worry about a very powerful apostate whose intentions we know nothing about?!" I almost shouted as I walked away from the table striking a nearby wall with my fist,

"Do we at least know what happened with the Vidasala?" Leliana asked,

"Yeah, she was a statue next to the Boss, and she was about to throw her spear, so one can only assume she was trying to kill Solas and didn't come anywhere near succeeding." Iron Bull answered,

"Well since the council is retired and we have nothing further to do, I suggest me find a comfortable room in the tavern and discuss everything we know over a meal…" Leliana said,

"And perhaps a drink…or two." Varric added,

"I will fetch Cassandra and meet you all there." Leliana continued, as she then left the room with the others except for Varric who stayed behind to talk with me,

"I know it's probably pointless to ask, but how are you holding up Curly?" He asked,

"How am I supposed to feel? Thedas is on the brink of war with the Qunari, and the moment the Inquisition is needed more than ever, the exalted council is trying to destroy or leash us." I answered not turning to face the dwarf,

"That's a threat of course, but I was talking about the Herald, I know that's what's bugging you the most."

"Why are you suddenly so interested Varric?" I asked,

"Believe it or not Curly I have few true friends that I care about, the Herald is one of them, her and Hawke are the two closest friends I've ever had, I want to see her survive this mishap just as much as you. That and I think she deserves to be happy, Maker knows that after everything she's had to deal with she deserves it, you just happen to be the only thing that does that for her. I want to hear about you two growing old together watching your children mature into fine adults." Varric explained,

I turned around to face the dwarf after an explanation like that; it hadn't occurred to me before that after Levellan took him on every adventure she went on that some sort of bond would naturally have formed.

"You've probably spent more time by her side than I did when we were fighting Corypheus but during that time, she changed my life more than I thought anyone could. I was struggling from Lyrium withdrawal, I almost injured her by throwing a box of Lyrium I had on my desk at the door, I didn't see her come in. I was at one of the lowest points of my life, yet she saw through that, made me believe that I could conquer this, that I could sever the leash the Chantry and my old life had over me. She showed me that I could…care for a mage after everything I'd been through at Calenhad." I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment to banish the memories of my past,

"Considering I remember in Kirkwall you saw mages as a blight upon the world, she must have really done a number on you, for your sake more than mine then, I pray that Andraste or the Maker brings her back to you."

"If she dies…Maker preserve me, I don't think I could…" If she did die, I would have no reason to keep going…

"Now now Curly, stop thinking of the worst case scenario, if my adventures with the Herald have showed me anything it's that She has the same determination to live like Hawke did, and that's more determination than I've ever seen. So if she has the will to live, death itself wouldn't be able to claim her…plus I've never liked seeing humans cry…I'll meet you at the tavern." Varric dismissed as he was about to walk away,

"Varric."

"Yes Curly?"

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

Varric then walked away, it was the deepest insight I had ever seen into his personality, he really did care a lot more than he ever let on, although keeping the Champions location a secret from Cassandra should have said as much. I knew others must have had a good relationship with her, but I selfishly thought only of myself and what I could lose, it's all I could think of, how scared I was at the thought of losing her.

I wanted to be alone perhaps to mull over what had just happened, or sit and mope about my wife's potential untimely death, but with how tense the air was around me now I needed to escape its confining atmosphere. Perhaps I did need a drink, and a meal, Maker knows she would hound me once she woke if she found out I hadn't eaten. I brushed my hair back into its position with my hand and then rested it on my sword hilt and walked out of the room with what felt like all of Thedas resting on my shoulders.


	3. Hearing Pain

_(This is the chapter with mentioned Sexual Assault you have been warned!) Rated M to be Safe!_

 _Hi guys I apologise for the late update and the small chapter, but I am currently busy with orders from my etsy shop. There is so far no DA content available but I am thinking of making a plushie Cullen…we'll see. Anywho I'm up to my ears in orders so things will be slow, and I apologize, thank you for understanding and Enjoy!_

 **Chapter 3,**

 **Hearing Pain,**

We were all seated in the Tavern and after some time had passed Cassandra was brought up to speed with what had happened, I mostly drank and poked at my food which was putting off everyone else.

"So we have more questions than answers now it seems." Cassandra said,

"Yes and unfortunately we are unable to learn more because of the Herald's condition." Leliana answered,

"I knew there was something strange about Solas when I first met him but what I didn't know was that he had caused the problem we faced." Cassandra continued,

"I will admit I am surprised you assumed knowledge of this ancient magic was easy to come by, but then again I suspect you don't really know anything about magic and mages do you Seeker?" Dorian asked,

She sighed, "You are correct, and at the time any help we could get was much needed so I never thought to ask where it came from."

"None of us could have foreseen that our future enemy would help us stop Corypheus, beating yourself up over it accomplishes nothing Divine Victoria, we must look to the future to plan how to combat the threat at hand." Josephine said,

"Josephine I have told you multiple times to call me by my real name, being Divine is nothing but a headache; I would cherish a moment to return to being just another Seeker of Truth." Cassandra sighed,

"Many eyes and ears are upon us your Grace, and amongst nobility we must always keep up appearances, even if we are seated in a tavern." Josephine explained,

"If my time in Tevinter has taught me anything it's 'Always smile everyone even if you want to stab each other in the heart' at least that way they think you're pleasantly trying to kill someone." Dorian joked,

"How's the reformation efforts coming along anyway Dorian?" Iron Bull asked,

"At a guess, it's coming along quite nicely assassins have only attempted to kill me several times so far, which says I'm doing something right or just making a lot of powerful people angry." He answered,

"Ha ha, with that attitude Sparkler I know you'll whip those Magister's into shape." Varric teased,

"With how much support I'm getting from my countrymen, I may as well put out a flyer asking them to stop practising blood magic."

"I have faith in you Dorian, if anyone can make a difference in Tevinter it is you." Cassandra said,

"Coming from you, that encouragement is something I sorely need to get this idea on its feet."

At this point everyone's eyes had fallen upon me as I was sitting there silently poking at my food and drinking, I didn't know it was so unlike me to not engage in conversation.

"Commander I understand your concern but perhaps you shouldn't drink anymore tonight, it would not be wise if the Qunari were to attack us by surprise." Cassandra suggested, I barely heard her, "Commander…"

"Yes sorry what was it?" I asked, I looked up to see everyone staring at me,

"Cullen I think you should either go check on her or get some rest, you look like you need both." Cassandra said,

"You're right…I'll take my leave then." I said before I rose to my feet to leave the tavern not giving much thought to addressing the others before I left, I did need to check in on my wife, it had been several hours after all,

"Maker's Breath and here I thought Broody would stop functioning if something happened to Hawke, but Curly seems to have died inside already and the Inquisitor isn't even dead." Varric said on a breath of what seemed to be exhaustion,

I didn't know what to expect when I returned to the healer, I knew she would be missing her arm, but I couldn't picture her perfect body marred by amputation, I didn't want to, although the reality was all too real to deny. I walked through the doors and the first sight I saw was my wife strapped to the table with leather bindings. I was horrified and paused mid-stride, her face was covered in beads of sweat, but as I continued walking and got closer I could see her entire body was sweat ridden.

I noticed that she was indeed restrained quite well, surely there was no longer a need to keep her tied down like an animal if the…process was complete, I walked over to her and peered down into her weary face. I brushed the hair away that was already wet and clinging together, she was still so beautiful; I looked her over and saw that her arm was covered in partially blood-soaked bandages; her arm had been removed just above the elbow.

It pained me to see her like this, so I gently caressed her head, it had often calmed her when we were in each other's company and she was worrying about Corypheus. I didn't notice the healer had walked over until he spoke.

"I have good news for you commander." He began,

"What is it?"

"The amputation seems to have saved her life, the strange magic has had no more effect on her body, I've been monitoring her for at least an hour, so provided fever doesn't consume her in this weakened state she'll make a full recovery as far as I can tell."

My heart soared, though she wasn't out of the woods yet, the immediate danger had passed, Maker be praised she was going to be fine.

"Does that mean you can unbind her now, surely if the process is over she doesn't need to be restrained any longer?" I asked,

"It wasn't my decision to keep her tied down, it was the young man who came to see me." The Healer answered,

"Young man?" I was slightly puzzled,

"Yes Commander it was my idea to keep her like this." Cole said revealing his place in the room,

"Why?"

"Dull growing pain, running, have to get away, small enough to hide, followed, can't hide, running faster." Cole muttered in his usual broken speech,

"What are you talking about what's going on?" I asked slightly alarmed, but then I saw Levellan twitch, "You're in her head, what's going on!" I demanded,

"I came here because I could hear her pain, I wanted to help, but she won't wake up…there's nothing I can do to help, so I stayed to listen." Cole answered,

"Then why is she tied down?"

"She won't wake up, it's going to get worse, it's getting worse." Cole replied,

"Branches whipping at my face, small cuts, must keep running, footsteps beside me, family, mother, father, yelling behind me, 'Stupid knife ears you can't escape!', rocks cutting tender flesh, hoof beats behind me. Arrows flying past me, no sense of direction, running, staying alive." Cole stammered in broken speech as he watched the dream,

I stood there frozen; she was having a nightmare of her past, but how far back I couldn't tell Cole never provided enough information to pinpoint anything, except for a small rundown of what was going on. I didn't want him to stop but at the same time I did, I wanted to be there for her but at the same time I felt as if I was invading upon a privacy that she had not seen fit to tell me.

"Turning, attacking, throwing fire, missing, keeps trying, losing ground with every failed attempt, 'Stop running…Apostate!' looks to side, mother can't keep up, growing tired, won't make it, have to make it."

"Apostate…" The word caught my attention; they were Templars, hunting her for being a mage outside the circle, I looked back to Levellan and she was trying to thrash around,

"Pain! Red hot burning pain! Shoulder suddenly on fire, deep buried in the flesh, found it's mark, falling hard, didn't see the stone, 'Don't stop running, forget about me, save yourselves!' bleeding but defiantly snaps the arrow, turns to see horses, barely escapes being trampled, rolls away, hears screams, looks up to see my family die, Templars cut them down, dead, tears, hot, stinging."

I stepped away from her she was trying to thrash around wildly, if it were not for the bindings she would have hurt herself, I remembered tracing my hands on her back and finding a scar just below her shoulder. She had moved my hand but I didn't know why, I had no reason to believe it was because of the scar, since she seemed to enjoy tracing her fingers over the one on my lip.

"Standing to face them, ready to die 'Shields in front at all times men, a cornered apostate will turn to blood magic', weary, to weary to fight, I'm going to die, creators I'm going to die, I don't want to die, lost too much blood, I'm surrounded, dull blunt pain at the back of my head, falling forward, he pushes his foot against the arrow wound, sharp hot pain."

I was startled when my wife suddenly let out a loud scream and arched her back slightly, I walked over to her again and looked into her face that was contorted with pain and fear, this was a torture to watch but not be able to help.

"A kick in the side, rolling over holding myself to protect against further blows, rises to crawl, still need to escape, Crack, broken, falls to the side, blood flows from my nose, chocking, can't breathe. A kick to the stomach, gasping for breath, again, again, again, again and again, bruises form on soft white skin, 'Men show this apostate the Templars finest treatment, dispose of her body once you're done'.

'Creators…Andraste save me, or let me die…or give me the strength to kill them all' dragged roughly to my feet, pushed against a tree, rough lips force themselves upon mine, a muffled scream of discomfort. Clothes rip, rough hands pulling, there's a hissing in the air, gasps of breath, falls to the ground, moans in pain, looks around the Templars are…dead, eyes fuzzy losing consciousness, sees people walking over to me…black." Cole stopped and looked over to the Inquisitor who had fallen still,

"What happened?" I asked a little concerned,

"It's over, the pain is gone, and you can untie her now." Cole answered,

"What did you just witness Cole?" I questioned,

"Commander, it is not my place to tell you what just happened, it is hers, there is nothing more I can do now." He answered as he then turned and left the room,

I wasn't even sure what I had just witnessed in Cole's broken story-telling it looked as if Templars had found her and killed her family before trying to…kill her too. How did I not know about this, why had she never told me, did she keep it from me so that she wouldn't have to worry about me thinking she hated me because I was a Templar? There were so many things I needed to know about this encounter, although when she was going to be able to tell me about them I didn't know, no doubt she didn't want to.

The healer had been here the entire time and had listened and watched everything that had gone on a moment ago, and the silence that ensued as we both untied my wife was uncomfortable to say the least. I wasn't about to carry her to our room in what she was wearing so I took off my fur and robes and wrapped them around her before taking her in my arms ready to leave, but before I did I addressed the healer.

"I expect you to keep what happened here to yourself, because if you don't the Maker himself will have to come down from the golden city to save you from what I'll do." I threatened,

"Of course Commander I would never tell another living soul."

"And…thank you for saving my wife."

"Don't mention it, I will frequent your room to make sure she is healing well and to change her bandages, but for now, she needs rest, and a comfortable place to do that." He said,

I nodded and then turned to carry my sleeping or unconscious wife to our room, I wasn't about to put her to bed in the condition she was in, I was going to clean the sweat from her body first, she would be thankful for it when she woke. The task turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, and it felt wrong doing it somehow since she wasn't even conscious, but I completed it nonetheless before once again wrapping her in my fur and robes before putting her to bed, soon joining her. I didn't know how much sleep I was going to get but watching over her was the priority.


	4. Sleep Lethalan Sleep

_Hey guys sorry for the very long delay but here is the next chapter, and yes things are getting darker, the candle has been snuffed out, and there is no light guiding the Herald back from the brink. There is a teaser image for the following chapters on my DeviantArt if you look for OnlyIfItsFluffy, search my gallery until you find 'I Don't Want To Die - Teaser!'_

 _I hope you guys enjoy!_

 **Chapter 4,**

 **Sleep Lethalan…Sleep,**

The following morning found me lying awake in bed staring at the roof listening to the breathing of my wife sleeping what seemed to be peacefully by my side, I had to keep her from rolling out of bed several times while she slept. I turned to look at her, and noticed that her face was covered in sweat again so using a cloth I had on the bedside table I wiped away the sweat and removed the hair from her face.

Placing my hand on her forehead I could tell that she was stricken with a fever, which meant I had to go find the healer so he could give her something to break it. Shifting to a sitting position with my feet planted on the floor I looked over to the chair where I had discarded my armor; quickly adorning it I took my wife in my arms and placed her in the centre of the bed before returning the covers. Taking one last look at her fragile form I left the room.

On the way to the healer I ran into Cassandra who eyed me strangely at first, "Commander, I went to see the healer to find out about the Inquisitors condition but he told me that you had taken her last night, I'm relieved to find that she will live." She said perhaps one of the biggest smiles on her face that I had ever seen,

"As am I, the healer did say that she's not out of the woods yet however, she has a fever and in her condition that might be just as life threatening as the mark was." I explained, still noticing she was looking at me strangely,

"You're going to bring him to her now?"

"Yes."

"If it's alright with you I would like to accompany you, see for myself if she's alright." She said,

"Of course, I assume the others will check in on her later as well, Varric seemed especially concerned." I explained,

"That dwarf hides a lot from us it doesn't surprise me to hear of his devotion to the Inquisitor after all they did go together on every journey, Maker knows why, his stories are good though so perhaps that is why." She thought to herself,

Finally I had had enough of her looking at me strangely so I decided to ask what was so enthralling, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Forgive me, I have just never seen you without your fur and robes, that and I am used to seeing you with a look that said you were in control of every situation possible, so I was staring." I had forgotten all about the fact that my wife was still wrapped in them, and was it really that obvious that recent events had gotten to me,

I sighed, "Is it that obvious that this whole ordeal has taken its toll?" I asked, I trusted Cassandra, I had after all deferred to her when I chose to stop taking Lyrium,

"Yes, but the last few days have been rough for us all, you and the Inquisitor however seemed to have received the worst of it." She answered,

I ran my hand through my hair smoothing it, "Is it wrong of me to hope that the Inquisitor can give up her duties if only for a little while, especially now since she isn't exactly capable of continuing."

"No, but it seems we will always be needed even if the council cannot see that, we need to be able to focus on repairing the world now that the breach has been closed and Corypheus is dead."

"I thought we had been doing that over the last two years, but now it seems any work we have put into repairing has been destroyed by Solas and the Qunari." I reasoned,

It seemed that Cassandra wanted to stop and talk to me about all this but I wasn't stoping, I had missed Cassandra when she left to become divine, but I would miss my wife far more than I would anyone else, at times I thought that I would even miss her over any of my family members, but she was…family now, wasn't she. I had given her a piece of my heart, and now I was dependant on her for my life blood, she was a part of my life now; losing her would kill me as surely as anything.

"Just remember Commander that even though her survival is everyone's top priority, you need to look after yourself as well, I'm sure everyone would miss you just as equally." Cassandra said, she gave me a look I hadn't seen from her before, it seemed to be genuine concern for my well-being,

"I am." I protested, she looked at me with a half-smile,

"You need to see yourself in a mirror Commander." She said with a giggle,

"I will but I don't see what all the fuss is about." I continued,

Even though the walk to the healer was relatively short we talked for the entirety of it, which did help to calm the turmoil that was building inside me even though it was still present. The healer was cleaning up his work station before he washed his hands and walked over to address us and our needs.

"Your Grace, Commander." He bowed slightly before Cassandra, "How is the Herald?"

"She's down with a fever, and burning up rather quickly, I'm here to see if you have anything to help with that." I explained,

"As I feared, she needs plenty of rest, water, and these elixirs I have here, I will accompany you back to her room, so I can change her bandage as well, just let me pack the things I will need." He said before he then scurried about his room retrieving things from shelves and cupboards,

"I would also like to know when she is to waken." I added,

"Wait…she is not awake?" The healer asked,

"No she isn't, when was she supposed to wake up?" I asked a little alarmed at this point,

"That tonic I gave her was only supposed to put her out for a few hours she was supposed to wake up naturally this-morning…this isn't good at all, I must see her at once."

I was overly-concerned now, she hadn't woken up when she was supposed to, she was suffering from a fever, and she had had no time to recover from an amputation, by the looks of her pale complexion her body wasn't coping very well at all, but he had warned us about this hadn't he…Maker's Breath.

We followed the healer who was leading us at a rapid pace back to the room I had been sharing with her, it seemed that by the way he was walking he was just as concerned about her as I was. We entered the room and to my relief she was still in the centre of the bed bundled up in my robes as I had left her, my biggest concern was that she had rolled of the bed while I wasn't there to stop her.

The healer set his bag down and opened it quickly, but without taking anything out he placed his hand on her forehead, he then drew a small lantern out of his bag, "Someone light this for me."

Cassandra took the small lantern and lit it in a moment, "Hold it close to her face." He instructed, as I moved closer to get a better look at what was going on. He lifted her eyelid for a moment, before continuing to do the same to her other eye.

"I don't understand why she won't wake up everything in that area is fine…perhaps she simply does not wish to wake up." He said,

"What do you mean 'doesn't want to wake up'?" I asked,

"This is not the first time I've seen this, sometimes when I have put people under for various reasons they don't wake up when they should, because for reasons I was never able to find out, they didn't want to wake up, something that would greet them when they woke up was prohibiting it. It is not unlike a defence of a kind, it is the brains way of protecting itself from further harm that it might come to should say, she wake up." He explained although I barely understood what he was trying to say, all I understood was that she wasn't waking up and that worried me,

"Is it a danger to her life?" Cassandra asked,

"Possibly, we cannot get her to drink while she is like this because she could choke, although the rest that this is causing is good for recovering from her ordeal. I would prefer it if she was to wake up so we could treat her properly but I will make do with the situation…Commander if you will help me with the bandage." He explained,

"Of course."

While I was helping the healer I watched Cassandra move to the foot of the bed to observe my wife, strangely she had a peaceful countenance considering she was running a high fever, I could tell that much just by holding her arm so the healer could replace the bandage. I watched as Cassandra mumbled several things under her breath, perhaps she was cursing, or perhaps she was offering up a simple prayer, either one would fit the situation.

I couldn't look at what he was doing, I couldn't see her like this, it pained my heart to see her like this, even more so now in her unknowingly vulnerable state. Cassandra being in the room was almost a blessing so that I could direct my attention to something other than what was going on right next to me. Occasionally I would unconsciously divert my attention to my wife's face, as I studied every detail from her soft youthful face to her perfectly done Vallaslin.

My mind wandered as I remembered countless times when we were in each other's embrace how I would run my finger across her Vallaslin tracing its lines, the one she had was simple yet beautiful. Her Vallaslin was like two branches under both of her eyes, most of the Dalish I had seen in my time had very complex markings, but not my wife, she was simple and perfect. I had asked her why she had Vallaslin, it made sense to me that if I was going to understand the woman I loved better, I should understand her customs, and she was more than happy to explain.

I had to admit I was a little put off by the fact that her tattoo was made out of her own blood, but I knew it wasn't unusual for her clan so I readily accepted the practise as well. It was a sign of her adulthood, and if I had a say in the matter, I would agree with what I fine woman she had grown into, I found myself remembering our more intimate moments and it put small grin on my face. Maker I loved and wanted her.

I was quickly severed from my thoughts as the healer addressed me, "These tonics should bring her fever down, I will give you a few, give them to her when her skin starts to become hot to the touch, it would be dangerous to let her progress to this level again." He explained as he placed several vials into my open hands,

"How am I supposed to get her to drink them if she isn't awake." I asked,

"I'll show you." He replied,

He instructed me to move from where I was seated on the bed, once I had he took my place and pulled my wife towards him so that she was resting against his chest, watching this made me uncomfortable but didn't prepare me for what came next. He leant her head back and removing the cork from the vial, he then opened her mouth and emptied its contents, he then held her mouth shut as she began to convulse mildly as she choked before falling still again.

"Are you trying to drown her!?" I was more than appalled,

"Not at all Commander, in her state she is awake and can function like you or I, so she is in no danger even if she has some trouble getting it down, her refusal to join us again though may take time so we have no choice." He explained, "Unless of course, you can convince her to wake up." He said as he then hopped off the bed to collect his things,

He blew out the lantern and packed it back into his bag after discarding the old bandaging Cassandra asked him several things before he made ready to leave.

"Send for me as soon as possible if her condition takes a turn for the worst, other than that, do as I have instructed and see to it that she gets plenty of rest." The healer said before he bowed to Cassandra and left the room,

Once he was gone I walked back over to my wife and re-positioned my robes around her and set her comfortably back in the centre of the bed bringing the covers once again back to where they were under her chin. I looked over to Cassandra who was watching me most curiously, I stood to my full height again and looked away shyly, I wasn't used to anyone seeing my acts of affection for my wife yet.

"I must admit when I was talking to the Herald about following her heart and to disregard what anyone else would say to pursue happiness, I was surprised to hear that you two had gotten married." She said,

"You know we're married?" I was surprised she had heard about it, I hadn't had the time to tell anyone,

"Yes, Varric told me that he found out from the herald that she planned to propose, or something like that, when she seemed surprised with what I was talking about I had assumed that Varric had lied to me, but it seems she was just as surprised as you that I had found out about what you two had done. I must admit that when I found out, I was a little concerned for her given that I knew your personality, I wanted her to be happy…a concern for a dear friend. But now I can see that my concern was misplaced, she deserves someone like you to care for her." She explained,

"I…uh…that is…" I cleared my throat, "Thank you."

I looked back over to my wife who had shifted to snuggle herself against the fur of my robes more than she was, which brought a smile to my face that also helped to fuel the embarrassment I felt. Cassandra just seemed to be soaking up every 'cute' thing I did, Maker's Breath I thought this would be more up Varric's alley, but if Cassandra was this bad Varric was going to be far worse.

"If Solas can infiltrate our Inquisition so easily there might be more spies than we know, Leliana has found a few but it takes time, how will you protect the Herald while you are not here?" She asked,

"I have a contingency for that; let's just hope that I managed to teach him something." I answered before I then let out a loud whistle,

It wasn't longer before the Mabari I had bought from the merchant walked through the door and over to me, I rewarded it for obeying my command before I looked to Cassandra.

"You found a Mabari here?" She asked,

"Yes it seems he was abandoned by his previous owner so I rescued it, that and I thought it would…make a good…gift." I explained,

"And what did she think of it?"

"She seemed quite taken by it, in the free moments we could steal from the exalted council we'd play with him together."

"I've heard that once a Mabari has a master they can never have another, it seems he thinks you worthy to be his master does he have a name?"

"The one he had when I got him was not fitting to this noble beast, his name was 'Bubbles' I haven't given a name much though, for now I just call him by whistling, I was going to have the Herald help me choose a name…perhaps when she wakes up she'll have a good name." I said,

"Perhaps…once she overcomes whatever demon she is afraid to face by coming back to us." She said,

"I wish I knew what that was." I sighed regretfully,

"I do to."

I crouched down to the Mabari's height, "Alright I know you're not good at dodging but you better be good at guarding, watch her and protect her." I ordered, it then walked over to the bed and sat down in front of where my wife was sleeping,

"Well it seems he can do something after all." I muttered under my breath,

"Dodging?"

"It's a long story…" I sighed,


	5. Update!

**This story has been moved to AO3 uploaded by 'Nonreviewingreaderswillbeshot' and 7 chapters are available there so please continue there to read more.**


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